I'm going to get right into it and be up front with you. You can be a smug person sometimes 2010 me, it's humbling to realise this but it's true. Here's an example; in a few days you are going to find out you are pregnant. You will be thrilled and there is nothing wrong with that, but you will be a bit smug about the fact that you got pregnant for the second time right when you wanted to. You'll think, other people have such a hard go of this, but not me, when I want to be pregnant, boom, I am. You won't mean anything by it and you certainly won't say anything, but you will revel in how lucky you are. You're going to immediately start planning for the birth and how life is going to be juggling a 2.5 year old and a newborn. You've been through hell in your life already so you figure you've paid your dues, besides a few bumps you don't foresee any sort of mountain size problem. Brace yourself...
When you are about 9 weeks things are going to start feeling just a bit off. You're going to start googling everything you can think of to figure out why this time feels differently than last time. It's going to go from off to downright feeling wrong. You are going to talk about being pregnant and you are truly going to believe that you are lying, to everyone, including yourself. But there were two lines, but you haven't had your period since April, you HAVE to be pregnant.
Hunny, take a deep breath, on July 17th you are going to realise you were right. You are going to feel like you are going into labour, your 'water' is going to break and you sweet woman are going to have to say goodbye to your baby. You thought she was a girl. You named her Elise.
It's going to take a few weeks, even months, before anything will feel 'normal' again. You'll have picked yourself up rather quickly, mostly for DD, she needs you and you know it. You will feel like a part of you died, you will need to grieve. Let yourself do this, you had to say goodbye to a dream and that is very hard to do. A dnc is a quick procedure but it's still a firm removal of the life you thought you were growing. It's going to feel so wrong. You are going to constantly be asking why and sweetie it doesn't really ever make sense, but it does get better. Look for the moment when DD snuggles in your arms, points and says 'mommy'. You're still her mommy. You have still given life and that is an amazing feat. It doesn't make the pain of losing your little one any less, nor should it, but it will help you heal.
I don't know how to help you stop what you are going to do next except to try and warn you not to try and control things. Yes learning how to temp is good. Yes being more informed about your cycles is great. But girl you still need to leave some of it up to fate and timing no matter how you try to control it there is a lot still out of your hands. You aren't going to understand why this time it's taking longer to get pregnant. You aren't going to understand why when it worked so well before something now seems broken even when it looks like it's in perfect working order.
You are going to obsess for a year and all you are going to think about is the fact that you don't have that baby. You know there is another baby in you and you are not going to understand why you have to wait for that baby to appear. Please try to remember the child you already have. Please try to remember to enjoy her and your husband because they are there in your now. They are there in your present and they need you, obsessing is only going to make it worse, I promise.
Well, now I guess you are 2011 me. You're getting angry. You don't know what to do. You've now moved two separate times in two months. You will have lived in three homes in one year and you are done. I totally understand you are done. You don't want to chart any more. You don't want to temp, or record anything your body is doing. You are just...done. You still feel like you are missing someone, you still feel like your family is not totally complete, but you are so exhausted you actually don't have the strength to try and control it any more. You've resigned yourself. October you will ask your doctor to help you start the next step. When DH gets back from his business trip you will start the journey your smug 2010 self didn't think you'd ever need to take.
She's learnt her lesson tho and at the end of October you will get your miracle. You will see those two lines and hunny...this time...it's real:
As a complete aside can I offer you one other little piece of advise? For the love of sanity SLEEP...dear lord sleep while you can, cause this little guy has no concept of the word. But that's a blog for another day ;)
Love,
ChattyMama (me, well you, well...yeah you know ;)
