Dear 2010 Me...

Hey there, it's you (me?? you?? I have no idea how to address myself so I'm just going to assume past me will understand what future me means ;) from 2013, I don't have a lot of time so don't try to chat. I have gone back in time to give you just a little bit of advise, so sit back, grab a coffee and pay attention.

I'm going to get right into it and be up front with you. You can be a smug person sometimes 2010 me, it's humbling to realise this but it's true. Here's an example; in a few days you are going to find out you are pregnant. You will be thrilled and there is nothing wrong with that, but you will be a bit smug about the fact that you got pregnant for the second time right when you wanted to. You'll think, other people have such a hard go of this, but not me, when I want to be pregnant, boom, I am. You won't mean anything by it and you certainly won't say anything, but you will revel in how lucky you are. You're going to immediately start planning for the birth and how life is going to be juggling a 2.5 year old and a newborn. You've been through hell in your life already so you figure you've paid your dues, besides a few bumps you don't foresee any sort of mountain size problem. Brace yourself...

When you are about 9 weeks things are going to start feeling just a bit off. You're going to start googling everything you can think of to figure out why this time feels differently than last time. It's going to go from off to downright feeling wrong. You are going to talk about being pregnant and you are truly going to believe that you are lying, to everyone, including yourself. But there were two lines, but you haven't had your period since April, you HAVE to be pregnant.

Hunny, take a deep breath, on July 17th you are going to realise you were right. You are going to feel like you are going into labour, your 'water' is going to break and you sweet woman are going to have to say goodbye to your baby. You thought she was a girl. You named her Elise.

It's going to take a few weeks, even months, before anything will feel 'normal' again. You'll have picked yourself up rather quickly, mostly for DD, she needs you and you know it. You will feel like a part of you died, you will need to grieve. Let yourself do this, you had to say goodbye to a dream and that is very hard to do. A dnc is a quick procedure but it's still a firm removal of the life you thought you were growing. It's going to feel so wrong. You are going to constantly be asking why and sweetie it doesn't really ever make sense, but it does get better. Look for the moment when DD snuggles in your arms, points and says 'mommy'. You're still her mommy. You have still given life and that is an amazing feat. It doesn't make the pain of losing your little one any less, nor should it, but it will help you heal.

I don't know how to help you stop what you are going to do next except to try and warn you not to try and control things. Yes learning how to temp is good. Yes being more informed about your cycles is great. But girl you still need to leave some of it up to fate and timing no matter how you try to control it there is a lot still out of your hands. You aren't going to understand why this time it's taking longer to get pregnant. You aren't going to understand why when it worked so well before something now seems broken even when it looks like it's in perfect working order.

You are going to obsess for a year and all you are going to think about is the fact that you don't have that baby. You know there is another baby in you and you are not going to understand why you have to wait for that baby to appear. Please try to remember the child you already have. Please try to remember to enjoy her and your husband because they are there in your now. They are there in your present and they need you, obsessing is only going to make it worse, I promise.

Well, now I guess you are 2011 me. You're getting angry. You don't know what to do. You've now moved two separate times in two months. You will have lived in three homes in one year and you are done. I totally understand you are done. You don't want to chart any more. You don't want to temp, or record anything your body is doing. You are just...done. You still feel like you are missing someone, you still feel like your family is not totally complete, but you are so exhausted you actually don't have the strength to try and control it any more. You've resigned yourself. October you will ask your doctor to help you start the next step. When DH gets back from his business trip you will start the journey your smug 2010 self didn't think you'd ever need to take.

She's learnt her lesson tho and at the end of October you will get your miracle. You will see those two lines and hunny...this time...it's real:

As a complete aside can I offer you one other little piece of advise? For the love of sanity SLEEP...dear lord sleep while you can, cause this little guy has no concept of the word. But that's a blog for another day ;)

Love,

ChattyMama (me, well you, well...yeah you know ;)

What my parent's will probably not miss...

So here it is the eve of my family going back to our house and our life in Manitoba. It has been a fun and eye opening 6 weeks. One thing that I am certain of without a shadow of a doubt is, I need my husband. I DO NOT like parenting alone, even with the help of my mom and dad I still was the sole parent and let me tell you it's exhausting and frustrating and just not right for my family. As I have mentioned before I don't know how you single parents do it! Kudos friends, you are real life heroes!

While I think about going home I know I will miss some things. I'll miss seeing my parents on a regular basis. I'll miss the times when my mom takes special care of me, making me sandwiches and making sure I get extra sleep. There is nothing like nurture from your mom, no matter how old you get. I'll miss getting to watch TV with my dad and then discuss said TV as though it were our real lives. No one gets that like he does. I'm sure my parents will miss these things too, as well as getting to see their grandchildren every day. There's something special about that, especially when you live far away, then you really do appreciate every minute you can get.

However, after 6 weeks, I have complied a list of things my parents will probably NOT miss so here goes:

1) Lack of sleep. Don't get me wrong, my dad didn't get any less sleep than normal so I don't mean him, however my mom took on the roll of second parent while DH was away and woke up most mornings to take care of DS so that I could get a couple of hours of extra sleep. I know she didn't mind doing it, but I also know she will thoroughly enjoy her bed for the next few mornings.

2) Interrupting. We're in the process of teaching DD to wait her turn to speak, however, she is a veritable deluge of words and can't seem to dam them up at the best of times and at the worst of times it's like a flood. I'm sure my parents will find it novel to be able to carry on entire conversations without being spoken over. Maybe I should call throughout the day 'Grandma can you get me a chocolate milk? Grandma? GRANDMA!' 'Grandpa can you turn the water on for me? Grandpa? GRANDPA!' Wash. Rinse. Repeat. ;)

3) DD's ever so fun bursts of frustration and tears. In learning how to be patient DD's knee jerk reaction to any kind of reprimand is to turn on the water works and turn up the volume. There are times you can anticipate this and there are times when it comes out of no where and slaps you in the face. It's kind of like navigating a mine field, you might get to end of the day in one piece, or there might be many times you get blown up. It's a crap shoot, you never know what you'll get till you get it...they love her a LOT, but this they probably won't miss ;)

4) DS's poopspolsions in his cloth diaper. Again not for my dad, he doesn't change diapers, which is fine, they aren't his kids he shouldn't have to...my mom on the other hand enjoys it...or she did...till she had to swish a cloth diaper in the toilet, now she enjoys changing the wet ones...the poopy ones are left for me...as it should be. In that vein I'd like to express my sheer love for my diaper sprayer, which is at home.

5) My dad will enjoy being able to buy chocolate milk in the quantities he'd like to drink it, not the truck loads necessary for both him and DD. He'll probably also enjoy not having to go to the store EVERY DAY for some sort of something that we need for supper. Or trying to navigate the baby aisle looking for something that I have vaguely explained that he's never heard of before. Or trying to remember which of my baby things he can put in the dishwasher and which he can't. Or most importantly, having to remember which room I'm pumping in because NO father should see that...ever.

6) Little things like having their computer setting back to normal so they don't have to log into Facebook each time, since, for some reason, even tho I have an iPhone and an iPad I still needed to log onto my Facebook on their computer and probably dad's laptop too. Some sort of twisted electronic marking of territory or something. Either way I think dad will like having that control back.

7) Speaking of control the remotes for the TV will be where he left them and dad can watch TV whenever he wants, as loud as he wants, with as much swearing as he wants and the only person he has to deal with is mom. Ah bliss isn't it dad? Don't deny it you know it is...lol

8) ALL of the baby things and kids toys that are EVERYWHERE and cannot be contained. I'm pretty sure my dad won't miss this. Thankfully the only foot casualty that I remember is me stepping on a lego house (OUCH) but still. I'm sure it will be nice to look into their rooms and not wonder what sort of toy or accessory is in there needing to be moved or put away. For little people they sure do need a LOT!

I'm sure there is more to add to this list, if I think of them I'll make another post, these seem to be the top ones though. I know they are going to miss us like crazy and my mom especially enjoyed watching DS grow over this month. A baby changes so much by the day and she's never had the privilege of being there for those moments with her grandchildren so this was a big treat. Also getting to know DD on another level will be a memory not soon forgotten. These 6 weeks have been an amazing way to start off 2013 and if DH has to go on a business trip for so long I can't imagine doing it any other way.

However maybe next time they can come to me. In fact, why don't you just move close to me, then you can see your grandbabies and I can see you and everybody wins! Okay mostly I win, but still...it's a thought. Closer to all grandbabies is very important, I'm just saying. ;) Sorry about the lack of blogging I'll try to rectify that when I get home.