Dear 2010 Me...

Hey there, it's you (me?? you?? I have no idea how to address myself so I'm just going to assume past me will understand what future me means ;) from 2013, I don't have a lot of time so don't try to chat. I have gone back in time to give you just a little bit of advise, so sit back, grab a coffee and pay attention.

I'm going to get right into it and be up front with you. You can be a smug person sometimes 2010 me, it's humbling to realise this but it's true. Here's an example; in a few days you are going to find out you are pregnant. You will be thrilled and there is nothing wrong with that, but you will be a bit smug about the fact that you got pregnant for the second time right when you wanted to. You'll think, other people have such a hard go of this, but not me, when I want to be pregnant, boom, I am. You won't mean anything by it and you certainly won't say anything, but you will revel in how lucky you are. You're going to immediately start planning for the birth and how life is going to be juggling a 2.5 year old and a newborn. You've been through hell in your life already so you figure you've paid your dues, besides a few bumps you don't foresee any sort of mountain size problem. Brace yourself...

When you are about 9 weeks things are going to start feeling just a bit off. You're going to start googling everything you can think of to figure out why this time feels differently than last time. It's going to go from off to downright feeling wrong. You are going to talk about being pregnant and you are truly going to believe that you are lying, to everyone, including yourself. But there were two lines, but you haven't had your period since April, you HAVE to be pregnant.

Hunny, take a deep breath, on July 17th you are going to realise you were right. You are going to feel like you are going into labour, your 'water' is going to break and you sweet woman are going to have to say goodbye to your baby. You thought she was a girl. You named her Elise.

It's going to take a few weeks, even months, before anything will feel 'normal' again. You'll have picked yourself up rather quickly, mostly for DD, she needs you and you know it. You will feel like a part of you died, you will need to grieve. Let yourself do this, you had to say goodbye to a dream and that is very hard to do. A dnc is a quick procedure but it's still a firm removal of the life you thought you were growing. It's going to feel so wrong. You are going to constantly be asking why and sweetie it doesn't really ever make sense, but it does get better. Look for the moment when DD snuggles in your arms, points and says 'mommy'. You're still her mommy. You have still given life and that is an amazing feat. It doesn't make the pain of losing your little one any less, nor should it, but it will help you heal.

I don't know how to help you stop what you are going to do next except to try and warn you not to try and control things. Yes learning how to temp is good. Yes being more informed about your cycles is great. But girl you still need to leave some of it up to fate and timing no matter how you try to control it there is a lot still out of your hands. You aren't going to understand why this time it's taking longer to get pregnant. You aren't going to understand why when it worked so well before something now seems broken even when it looks like it's in perfect working order.

You are going to obsess for a year and all you are going to think about is the fact that you don't have that baby. You know there is another baby in you and you are not going to understand why you have to wait for that baby to appear. Please try to remember the child you already have. Please try to remember to enjoy her and your husband because they are there in your now. They are there in your present and they need you, obsessing is only going to make it worse, I promise.

Well, now I guess you are 2011 me. You're getting angry. You don't know what to do. You've now moved two separate times in two months. You will have lived in three homes in one year and you are done. I totally understand you are done. You don't want to chart any more. You don't want to temp, or record anything your body is doing. You are just...done. You still feel like you are missing someone, you still feel like your family is not totally complete, but you are so exhausted you actually don't have the strength to try and control it any more. You've resigned yourself. October you will ask your doctor to help you start the next step. When DH gets back from his business trip you will start the journey your smug 2010 self didn't think you'd ever need to take.

She's learnt her lesson tho and at the end of October you will get your miracle. You will see those two lines and hunny...this time...it's real:

As a complete aside can I offer you one other little piece of advise? For the love of sanity SLEEP...dear lord sleep while you can, cause this little guy has no concept of the word. But that's a blog for another day ;)

Love,

ChattyMama (me, well you, well...yeah you know ;)

What my parent's will probably not miss...

So here it is the eve of my family going back to our house and our life in Manitoba. It has been a fun and eye opening 6 weeks. One thing that I am certain of without a shadow of a doubt is, I need my husband. I DO NOT like parenting alone, even with the help of my mom and dad I still was the sole parent and let me tell you it's exhausting and frustrating and just not right for my family. As I have mentioned before I don't know how you single parents do it! Kudos friends, you are real life heroes!

While I think about going home I know I will miss some things. I'll miss seeing my parents on a regular basis. I'll miss the times when my mom takes special care of me, making me sandwiches and making sure I get extra sleep. There is nothing like nurture from your mom, no matter how old you get. I'll miss getting to watch TV with my dad and then discuss said TV as though it were our real lives. No one gets that like he does. I'm sure my parents will miss these things too, as well as getting to see their grandchildren every day. There's something special about that, especially when you live far away, then you really do appreciate every minute you can get.

However, after 6 weeks, I have complied a list of things my parents will probably NOT miss so here goes:

1) Lack of sleep. Don't get me wrong, my dad didn't get any less sleep than normal so I don't mean him, however my mom took on the roll of second parent while DH was away and woke up most mornings to take care of DS so that I could get a couple of hours of extra sleep. I know she didn't mind doing it, but I also know she will thoroughly enjoy her bed for the next few mornings.

2) Interrupting. We're in the process of teaching DD to wait her turn to speak, however, she is a veritable deluge of words and can't seem to dam them up at the best of times and at the worst of times it's like a flood. I'm sure my parents will find it novel to be able to carry on entire conversations without being spoken over. Maybe I should call throughout the day 'Grandma can you get me a chocolate milk? Grandma? GRANDMA!' 'Grandpa can you turn the water on for me? Grandpa? GRANDPA!' Wash. Rinse. Repeat. ;)

3) DD's ever so fun bursts of frustration and tears. In learning how to be patient DD's knee jerk reaction to any kind of reprimand is to turn on the water works and turn up the volume. There are times you can anticipate this and there are times when it comes out of no where and slaps you in the face. It's kind of like navigating a mine field, you might get to end of the day in one piece, or there might be many times you get blown up. It's a crap shoot, you never know what you'll get till you get it...they love her a LOT, but this they probably won't miss ;)

4) DS's poopspolsions in his cloth diaper. Again not for my dad, he doesn't change diapers, which is fine, they aren't his kids he shouldn't have to...my mom on the other hand enjoys it...or she did...till she had to swish a cloth diaper in the toilet, now she enjoys changing the wet ones...the poopy ones are left for me...as it should be. In that vein I'd like to express my sheer love for my diaper sprayer, which is at home.

5) My dad will enjoy being able to buy chocolate milk in the quantities he'd like to drink it, not the truck loads necessary for both him and DD. He'll probably also enjoy not having to go to the store EVERY DAY for some sort of something that we need for supper. Or trying to navigate the baby aisle looking for something that I have vaguely explained that he's never heard of before. Or trying to remember which of my baby things he can put in the dishwasher and which he can't. Or most importantly, having to remember which room I'm pumping in because NO father should see that...ever.

6) Little things like having their computer setting back to normal so they don't have to log into Facebook each time, since, for some reason, even tho I have an iPhone and an iPad I still needed to log onto my Facebook on their computer and probably dad's laptop too. Some sort of twisted electronic marking of territory or something. Either way I think dad will like having that control back.

7) Speaking of control the remotes for the TV will be where he left them and dad can watch TV whenever he wants, as loud as he wants, with as much swearing as he wants and the only person he has to deal with is mom. Ah bliss isn't it dad? Don't deny it you know it is...lol

8) ALL of the baby things and kids toys that are EVERYWHERE and cannot be contained. I'm pretty sure my dad won't miss this. Thankfully the only foot casualty that I remember is me stepping on a lego house (OUCH) but still. I'm sure it will be nice to look into their rooms and not wonder what sort of toy or accessory is in there needing to be moved or put away. For little people they sure do need a LOT!

I'm sure there is more to add to this list, if I think of them I'll make another post, these seem to be the top ones though. I know they are going to miss us like crazy and my mom especially enjoyed watching DS grow over this month. A baby changes so much by the day and she's never had the privilege of being there for those moments with her grandchildren so this was a big treat. Also getting to know DD on another level will be a memory not soon forgotten. These 6 weeks have been an amazing way to start off 2013 and if DH has to go on a business trip for so long I can't imagine doing it any other way.

However maybe next time they can come to me. In fact, why don't you just move close to me, then you can see your grandbabies and I can see you and everybody wins! Okay mostly I win, but still...it's a thought. Closer to all grandbabies is very important, I'm just saying. ;) Sorry about the lack of blogging I'll try to rectify that when I get home.

Best. Kids. Ever.

Ok it's been a few days since the kids and I flew here to my parent's place and I gotta say life is pretty good. DD is going through a bit of an adjustment period because it takes her awhile to adapt to change. She was VERY excited to visit grandma and grandpa but there are still moments where she wants to go home to her familiar settings so it's taking a little bit for her to become familiar with this house as home for now. Which, of course, is weird to me cause this house always feels like home to me.

DS is actually sleeping like a champ! Not all through the night of course because I haven't gone to a parallel universe, but he is adapting pretty well to a different crib and different sleep settings although his proximity to me is pretty much the same and in his little world that is really all that matters.

Now...the flight:

The kids were pretty freaking amazing compared to what I was expecting! DD walked through the airport with her special Winnie the Pooh rolling suitcase. She was very proud of herself that she had her own and she was helping. We made it through security without a hitch and didn't have to wait very long before we were on the plane. The flight attendants were a lot of help and both my kids were fabulous. DD watched the Treehouse channel on the TV, ate the snacks they give you (although on the way back I'm definitely bringing more!) and just chatted nicely with me about where we were going and what was happening.

DS was hilarious. The biggest thing most people worry about with babies is the pressure change during take off and landing. Coupled with his recent diagnosis of an ear infection I was convinced that take off and landing would be hell. My boy, slept. What is ironic is he slept ONLY during take off and landing...lol Go figure right? I'm all worried about those moments and those are the ones where he is the most calm. He was also pretty happy in between as well, he smiled and played and giggled at his sister. It was pretty much the best scenario I could have hoped for so thank you to all who sent good vibes and prayers. I made it in one piece!!

My parents are in their element now. They get to hold, cuddle and play with their two grandkids every day and I just love seeing those big smiles on their faces and the sighs of contentment when they get those long awaited hugs and snuggles. My kids just drink up cuddles, they love it!

DD is off at the park with grandma now and after I post this I think I just might take a nap with DS who is snoozing beside me. Even though I have to be away from DH for the month of January at least I know I can relax at points throughout that time. We're going to get into a groove here and one of the first things we've started is giving DS some cereal. That is a fun adventure, give me a couple days and I'll do a new post about that.

Gonna go sleep a little bit cause I can DO that here! Yay ;)

Nurse Mama

I haven't slept in three days. Right now I was going to write a blog about dealing with two kids sick at the same time but all I hear in my head is ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

If I ever get sleep again I will blog...that is a promise...right now I'm going to race to sleep and see how much I get before Phlegm 2012 wakes up again.

*SNORE*

Dear Katie,

Hi, I, um...see I'm not sure what to say to you Katie. DD talks about you a lot so I gather that you are important but I'm not sure if I should kick you out of my house yet. When she give me attitude she says 'I'm talking to Katie' or if she wants to play with me and I have to make dinner or feed her brother she sighs and says 'fine I'll play with Katie'. So I don't know if she even likes you, or are you around for when she's bored? I'm not quite sure. She tells me you are her sister yet you also have a baby sister with the same name as her brother (which baffles me to no end let me tell you).

The other day I tried to include you in our plans Katie I really did. I asked if we should set a spot at the table for you (gotta support the imagination and all) or make sure you came in the car with us to do some errands. It seems though that you exist only for DD because she just looked at me like I was crazy and said 'Mommy you know Katie is just pretend right?'

I do know this Katie, I'm fully aware that you do not really exist, it just baffles me that for someone who doesn't exist you permeate a lot of conversations in this house. You also have remarkably similar experiences to that of my DD. Apparently you had a day where you refused to listen to your mom and got in trouble just like DD. Speaking of your mom Katie can you explain to me how you are DD's sister, yet your sister (who has the same name as my son) is NOT DD's sister? Don't even get me started on how myself and my DH are NOT your parents yet you are still related to our daughter? Are you from a parallel universe Katie? If so what's it like there? Can you go back and forth for our world to your world or are you stuck here?

These are very serious questions Katie, I need to know how much of an impact you are going to have on our lives. Apparently you do not need me to acknowledge you for you to exist. Shall we call you convenient Katie? If you do plan on sticking around just let DD hang out with her other friends too, the ones I can see. Oh and one more thing, I am glad DD has the type of imagination to create you, this is all fine and good just looking for your importance in the grand scheme of things. Grand scheme being, do I need to pay for some kind of therapy now/later or are you just around because my kid is extra creative? If I had my choice I'd go for the latter instead of the former...just saying.

So as long as you don't give my daughter any bad advice you are welcome here Katie...I think...I'm new to this imaginary friend thing.

Chatty Mama

Shhh do you hear that?....

...wait you don't hear anything? Why that's because my grey hair has been COVERED! Oh yes it's gone, well it's got a layer of nice warm brown shutting up it's constant shouting of 'you're old' and 'you can't do that you decrepit geezer!'. (I have very rude grey hair, you see now why it needed to be covered.) In case you forgot, after the paragraph or two dedicated to it yesterday, I got my hair done today. So now for your viewing pleasure and because I love me a play by play here is the journey my hair took this morning.

Before

During

 I decided to take a pictorial journey through the day so here it is. First we have the ever present bun that's been on my head for way more months then I want to admit. Isn't it hot with all the fuzzies and such? As you can see down isn't a whole lot better and that is a LOT of hair there folks it gets in the way and is the perfect length for DS to grab fistfuls on both sides when I lean forward to try and pick him up. Then we have the last picture before my hairdresser cut it.

I don't miss it, not even a little bit. I think she's obligated to ask if I'm okay with her cutting a large amount of but I was all 'if you don't I will do it myself'. That's actually a full threat to a hairdresser cause then they'd have to fix the darn mess you made trying to cut your own hair...LOL There is a reason the have to go to school.

Anyway we have the middle process now. She cut my hair before dying it because it would have be cruel to ask me to pay for her to dye hair she was going to cut off. I always love the 'foil look' I wonder if I could have gotten radio signals if I tried. I should have walked around the salon while the colour set holding my head at a weird angle looking like I was listening. If anyone asked what I was doing state matter of factly 'listening for the signal' then go back to it as if it was the most natural thing on earth. Wow I need to get out more, I think I just scared myself...lol

Reading stories to her brother.

So while I was going through this whole process I'm getting updates from home. DH was sending me pics of the kids. My favourite is this one where DD is reading DS a story. Honestly how cute is that?? She likes to find books and then make up her own story to go with the pictures. Pretty gosh darn smart if I do say so myself! Plus it's another picture to add to the group of pictures I will bust out when they both decide they hate each other in 10+ years...lol I need to remind her he wasn't always annoying and him she wasn't always bossy...oh wait...maybe that won't be true. If she's anything like me she'll be just a tad on the bossy side. Just a tad...no I'm not avoiding eye contact why do you say that? It is not at all connect with the fact that I may have just fibbed to you.

Finale

LOOK  NEW HAIR!

Not bad hey? I can't remember the last time it was this short. I had it quite short in my early twenties but it's pretty much been long layers since then. Or just plain long. I'm still finding it hard to recognise myself when I look in the mirror. I think the last time I had my hair salon cut was when I was in BC and had a good friend do it. And the last time I had a salon cut and colour was when I was very pregnant with DD. So over 4 years! Last year I had it trimmed but this was the whole deal and I love LOVE it. Plus now that I'm certain we are staying here I think I may also have found a stylist who I can keep going back to. So maybe, just maybe I can stay away from the box colour for now.

Okay I just did a whole post about my hair. How narcissistic is that? Maybe it's not, but next time I'll go back to talking about my kids. They really are every so much more interesting than me. Unless I'm doing my ninja skills, I'm pretty interesting then. I need to write another letter soon. I have one brewing to DD's imaginary friend Katie, I'll see if I can't get that up in a day or two. Ta ta for now! ;)

What to say...what to say...

Rubs hands together. Sooo it's been awhile. I was doing really good there for a bit and then I took a nap or something and fell off the radar. I'll try not to let that happen again. So how are things? Let me explain, no it is too much, let me sum up (nod to The Princess Bride): DS is sleeping better, DD is getting more nosebleeds, DH is going to India for a month and me? Well I'm getting my haircut tomorrow and it's consuming all my thoughts...okay most of my thoughts...alright my thought right now but it's there!

I live in a ponytail. This is sort of a mom thing, if I didn't my son would not only have fistfuls of my hair but he'd also have mouthfuls it would not be pretty (incidentally even when my hair is up he still gets fistfuls of the tiny hairs at the base of my neck and then he'll PULL). So my hair is up, constantly, and now it has gotten to the point that it's giving me headaches. *sigh* There is more than one reason it's giving me a headache one it is too heavy for my head therefore it aches. More importantly there is grey in there and it won't shut up! It's such loud grey hair, it taunts me! Calls me old! I need to shut up the grey hair so I will cut it and cover it with dye and no one will ever...oh...wait...you'll know BUT you won't be able to tell and that's all that matters. Muahahaha...you know I don't think this is an evil laugh moment...I really need to move on from my hair...sooo let's go back to the kidlets, they're cute and...go:

Gorgeous kids hey? :)

They are still the light of my life. Right now they are both sleeping and it is blissful. Lately it's been getting drier so DD has been getting nosebleeds. The poor dear gets SO frightened by any liquid feeling near her nose that she panics even if her nose is just running. Sometimes it does bleed and doing damage control in that situation in the middle of the night is...challenging.

There was one night when she woke up screaming as though someone had punched her in the nose. I jumped out of bed, no really I jumped into the air and landed on the floor I think I could have pulled something. My reason for reacting this way is simple, she's been known to come screaming into our room with her hands out as if she is bleeding out (she's not, ever, her crying usually makes it worse) and needless to say this does not help the baby keep sleeping. So I've become attuned to hearing her make a noise before she's opened her door so I can intercept and lead her to the bathroom. I'm getting pretty good at this...I'm very stealth. :)

Anyway this problem needs to be resolved soon, we're looking into getting a humidifier for her room to hopefully curb the issue so I don't have to leap out of my bed like a ninja in a nursing bra ;)

DS is still not sleeping through the night, however he is at least giving me longer stints between feeds. (These would be easier to enjoy if the aforementioned nosebleeds didn't occur in between these feedings) Sometimes he'll wake up only a couple of hours after he has last ate so these days I try the soother first and a little cuddle and usually he falls back asleep. I know my baby won't be a baby forever so it really doesn't bother me that he doesn't sleep through the night. I love to cuddle my little man and sometimes I'll just give in and have him next to me and then everything is right with the world. Remind me I said this when he's crawling into my bed at 5 and 6 years old...lol

Which brings me to DH and India, oh India, if only you didn't need my husband to come and fix you. Okay so he's not fixing the whole darn country but the people who work for his company need him out there. SO he goes, for a month...yeah that's right...a month. Remember when he was going away for 5 days and I wanted to hold onto his leg and kick and scream?? I'm not doing that this time...nope, I'm going to hide out at my parent's until my husband comes back...lol It just so happens that when he's planning to go was RIGHT after we were planning to return from visiting my parents for Christmas. SO instead I said to extend the tickets for the kids and I and we'll stay there. The best scenario is us being home here as a family of four, but if he has to go for work then the NEXT best scenario is this one. My parents get extra time with their grandkids (and me) and I won't get so overwhelmed that I'll drown in mommying. I have NO idea how single parents do it, I don't...guys I'm a wimp I can't do it. So I'll stomp my feet and run home to MY mommy and daddy for help.

 And that's all for now folks...I'll try to do a better job of blogging regularly. I forgot how fun it is. However, now my butt needs to go to bed...which is sad cause it's not even ten yet. I am a party ANIMAL...oh wait no...I'm a mom...lol